How do you conduct conversations in which major interests are at stake without damaging relationships? Director of the Europe Department Erik Weststrate introduced the Crucial Conversations training course for situations like these. Since then, the approach has become standard at his department. And staff can often be heard saying ‘Let’s use Crucial Conversations to keep talking to each other’.
Image: © Erik Weststrate
Erik Weststrate, Director of the Europe Department
Effective communication isn’t just about getting your own views across. It’s also about creating a safe environment where everyone can speak freely. How do you make this possible, even when the stakes are high or emotions run strong? And how do you check the other speaker feels safe?
‘In these situations, you may be inclined to say nothing for fear of damaging the relationship,’ Erik explains. ‘But there’s a third option: expressing yourself in a way that actually strengthens the relationship. It may mean you have to deal with big emotions without getting angry or feeling hurt yourself, especially in conversations with managers or people who have more influence than you. But it’s worth the effort,’ Erik believes. ‘A good conversation only happens when everything’s on the table.’
Emerging from conversations stronger
Erik had already had a lot of experience with dialogue at various levels. Nevertheless, the Crucial Conversations training was a real eye-opener. ‘This course gives you the skills to emerge stronger from difficult conversations,’ he says.
The technique can be used for diplomatic talks, discussing a promotion, or any other situations where opinions are sharply divided. Erik comments: ‘The foundation of this approach is that you take responsibility. You ask yourself what’s happening, how it’s making you feel, and what story you’re telling yourself.’
Image: © Erika Koehler
Erika Koehler, strategic policy adviser at the Europe Department
Learning to think in terms of ‘both/and’
Afterwards, Erik was so enthusiastic about Crucial Conversations that he encouraged his colleagues in Ankara and Istanbul to take the course too. And six staff members at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs became course instructors.
One of them is Erika Koehler, strategic policy adviser at the Europe Department. She observes that we tend to think in terms of ‘either/or’: either maintaining a good relationship or speaking out. ‘That holds us back,’ Erika maintains. ‘We need to think in terms of ‘both/and’. We don’t always really listen to each other and may dig our heels in. By creating a safe environment and really hearing what the other person is saying, we can gain constructive insights together.’
Facts and stories
One of Crucial Conversations’ most powerful tools is separating facts from stories. Erika comments: ‘The story that we tell ourselves can be misleading. By explicitly exploring your story, you can put your emotions into perspective. What did the other person actually say or do? And how have I interpreted it? What story am I telling myself?’
The method can be applied in a wide variety of settings, including diplomatic talks or difficult negotiations. ‘This is especially important in this current age of polarisation,’ says Erika. ‘It’s uncomfortable when the person you’re talking to holds a different point of view. But our big challenge is to deal with it, both within the ministry and in our international work. You can see yourself as a victim of the system, or you can find a way to make a difference.’
The term ‘crucial conversation’ is now well established within the Europe Department. Staff are finding it easier to consider emotions and opinions, and the actions that result from them. Is your own ego coming into play? Do you need to let go of the story you’re telling yourself? ‘Sometimes you feel emotions rising in your body, or you see it in the other person,’ says Erika. ‘You can achieve more if you’re aware of your own interpretations and approach a conversation with an open mind.’
Day-to-day conversations
During team discussions, staff now often consciously distinguish between facts and stories. Erik notes that this is positively impacting the quality of results and relationships, now that colleagues are aware of this dynamic and can express it in words. He plans to keep up the focus so that the training continues to feed into day-to-day conversations.
‘The great thing is that this approach immediately removes any tension,’ says Erik. ‘And if you have an emotional response, everyone will understand where you’re coming from. By giving it a name you can move forward together. That’s how you keep the lines of communication open and preserve the relationship – which is the greatest benefit of all.’